simplestepmom

Do your stepkids act or dress differently at the two different homes?

We knew the two homes were very different, and that my stepson must adjust when he is at either place. We had not realized just how much he changed between the two! Its like night and day, or Jekyll and Hyde.

At our home, he is particular about his clothes and how they feel or look. He brushes his hair and when brushing his teeth he loves to use that new Listerine for kids and is so proud of how well it proves he brushes. Behavior is a non issue. He is a sarcastic little fellow and sometimes in trying to be funny can get carried away with his comment. But I cannot remember the last time he was disciplined, possibly years ago.

His mother’s home? Well, when we pick him up his clothes are sometimes dirty, or too small but I’m not sure if that is just b/c those items might get stuck at our house. Not a huge problem and the kid is growing fast.  His mother has mentioned that he does not listen and behavior is an issue. And it looks as though this transfers into school. Same clothing issue, with messed and disheveled hair. And every year there are behavior issues that surprise us because we can’t imagine that same kid behaving in such a way.

Isn’t it interesting how one child can act so differently.

Our experiment with Early Christmas was a hit! My stepson did so well with the whole idea. He was excited the night before opening gifts. And the day of Early Christmas, he was relaxed, he was able to enjoy the experience. It was such a difference from other years when we do not have him on the actual holiday and celebrate over New Years! He wasn’t tired from being dragged to different homes, this wasn’t his fourth or fifth Christmas with family, he didn’t talk about what he’d already gotten from other people. Instead, he just enjoyed being with us, he was rested, and he had a fantastic weekend!

One little hitch in the plan, he arrived for the weekend from his mom’s with a fever. So we weren’t able to have all the extended family over that we had planned originally. And a special event of the weekend was cancelled. But he never knew any different, we just rescheduled. And the family will get to see him when he’s home again later on. But the concept of Early Christmas is definitely a success!

Things I’ve Done. To participate just copy and paste in your own blog, and bold all of the things you have done.

1. Started your own blog (obviously)

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band (sang)
4. visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped (but I have gone cliff diving)
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch hiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen an eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung Karaoke

42 Seen Old Faithful erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57 Started a business

58 Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia

60 Served at a soup kitchen

61 Sold girl scout cookies

62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason

64 Donated Blood
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71 eaten caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. stood in times square

74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone

78 Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem

84 Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House

87 killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one

94 Had a baby

95 Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Watched TV last night and the show brought up an interesting topic. When parents are together, you see all the ‘first’s’ of a child together. First step, first lost tooth, first haircut. But when parents split, one of them is bound to begin to miss these milestones. Only one parent will be there for the first time the tooth falls out, first movie, first whatever!

The show had a very chummy solution…the family would still do these things together even though the parents were divorced! Mom would call Dad to come over for the first dance, or for the first concert they all went together. In real America, this is such a fairytale! I do not know of any split family that would handle it this way. The closest we could come is Mom or Dad calling the other to say it had already happened, not inviting them to come be part of it. And more likely, the case is that the other parent who was not present at the time of the milestone….would never know about it.

Once again, nothing is simple in a blended family. Ha! Why should the holidays be any different? Listening to those stepmoms I’ve talked to recently, the holidays create a lot of tension. Every family has the bustle of family gatherings, making plans for the holidays, adding extra to our schedules and taking extra from our bank accounts.

Add to that the blended family stress: Already feeling the pinch of child support and then comes the financial stretch of the holidays. Most blended families have a pattern for handling where the children will spend the holidays….but someone always wants to change it at the last minute, right? No one is in the mood for compromise at that point.

If your child is not spending Christmas day with you, how are you handling it? When will you celebrate with the child? We usually handle this by celebrating when he comes home after Christmas. This year we are trying something new….celebrating BEFORE Christmas! After Christmas, stepson is always tired from several celebrations already, it feels like we are putting Dad last, and we all have to hear what he’s already received and our own family celebration is very diminished. This year we are being proactive! We are celebrating the weekend he will be home before Christmas, before everyone is tired, not waiting for Dad to go last. We’re having a meaningful family celebration together. I’ll let you know how it goes and how we felt about it!

Do you feel more sensitive about the books your children read b/c of your family situation?

My friend, a librarian, recommended a couple books for some of stepson’s upcoming book reports. After looking into the storylines…one of them caught my attention and sent up a flag. It was a fantasy book about a little boy. But the underlying story was: the boy’s parents had divorced and he was FORCED to live with his DAD. His dad was DRAGGING him to a new life with a WOMAN (stepmom) he loved.

Ummm…..not loving the words going on there. For my little boy, that book is not about the fantasy story. It sends up thoughts that living with your dad is bad. The idea that stepmoms are not always good people. And while none of that is true in his real life….he does not live with us and he and I are very close….I don’t need to be confusing a child about his real life family situation.

I’ve tried to get my hands on every book imaginable on Step/Blended families, Children of Divorce, Stepmoms…you name it! Some are good, some are just rants of anger.

The best I’ve found is Mom’s House, Dad’s House by Isolina Ricci. We were in mediation once and stepson’s mother and I both referenced the book! So I definitely recommend it no matter which side of the divorce you are on. It talks about how to establish some kind of working relationship between the parents for the sake of the child. Really, a tremendous book! They have an edition for Kids that I have not seen but am often tempted to order.

I’ve gleaned bits and pieces of helpful information from other books. There are lots of opinions and legal tidbits of advice to be found…you just have to hunt;)

I am so proud of my husband. My stepson was ill over a weekend, and the holiday. It is so difficult to have him out of sight and not feeling well. As a parent, you want to be able to give him medicine, take him to a doctor if he needs it, tuck him in warm blankets. And when you can’t be the one with him….just another knife in the heart.

He was starting to get a bug but was well enough to come to our house, got the worst of it with us. Passing him back and forth is so hard. He usually does so well going between houses, but when he’s not feeling good he gets so clinging to his dad. He was back again for the holiday and still a little sick so we were able to see him again and continue to give him medicine. Seeing him again so soon made my husband feel better.

But I am so proud of the way he communicated with the mother! Normally, they do not talk much. Most communication goes through email between me and her. They are pleasant to each when they do interact, but its very minimal. Because stepson was ill there were quite a few more phone calls than usual between them. And he handled them so well! He was kind, patient, and even friendly! I am so proud of him!

Do you miss the kids when they are at the other house? Its not something they warn you about, is it? You think, because you aren’t the biological parent you will be to let go every weekend, every holiday. You’ll think of them fondly while they are out of the house, and then move on with your day. But it doesn’t always work that way, and it’s not something you can prepare yourself for.

You are asked to be part of the children’s lives, take on the role of parent. You step in, and with that comes the emotions, the love and protection of them. So as your family grows closer, as the years move on….it gets harder, not easier. The weeks in between seeing them get more difficult. Knowing they are sick, but not with you, is torture. You worry on snowy days about who put their boots on, or did they wear their heavy coat today?

I enjoy the time with my husband, and speaking with other stepmoms…we do not relish the drama that stepkids bring with them. But I do miss him terribly while he’s gone.

What do your stepkid’s call you? I’ve heard everything from Mom, Stepmommy, Bonus Mom is a new trend, and your first name.

I think it really depends on your situation. And Wow, do the situations vary in Blended Families! My stepchild calls me by my first name. It’s nothing that bothers me, and Stepmom is just the term that defines who I am in his life. We do use the term stepmommy….stepmommy took care of that one! I think using it in passing has helped him become more comfortable with all the people in his life.